Chaos–I had never thought of how similar this word was to all the feelings I’ve been going through until I looked at the definition just now. It is defined as “complete disorder and confusion”. And then the synonyms that go with it–well, all of them are a part of my story right now. Here are some of the most relevant ones. “disorder, disarray, disorganization, confusion, mayhem, bedlam, pandemonium, havoc, turmoil, commotion, disruption, upheaval, uproar, muddle, and mess.” My life is a mess right now. There is disruption, upheaval, and havoc in my life, and there’s nothing I can do about it. No one can do anything about it.
It doesn’t help either that the things we’re going through and I’m going through are things that I was taught were shameful. Things like job loss; things like depression. Yes, I am saying it out loud. I suffer from depression. I have been in the yawing pit so many times it has become second nature. The medicine I take keeps it manageable, but when situations of high stress come along, life becomes more difficult as it has recently.
Jesus has been in the pit with me though. He has always been there even when I haven’t realized it. He is sitting there with me, holding onto me, waiting, until I’m ready to climb. And I do know that. Jesus is with me even when I don’t feel like He is.
What I struggle with is trusting other people with my suffering and asking them to pray for me. When I think the people closest to me are ashamed of me asking for prayer, it makes me not want to ask. I hurt, but I don’t think I’m supposed to tell other people I hurt so I don’t. When people tell me I’m too sensitive about what’s going on, it makes me shut down and not want to talk to people. All in all, I’m just a fragile person who tries to keep her shields up and maybe shares her pain with one or two people.
I realized something today though, from my pastor’s sermon no less. 🙂 God made me, fragile person that I am. And if He made me, He has a purpose for me even though I’m fragile. He wants to live through me, and if I wasn’t the broken person that I am, it would be more difficult for me to let Him in. I cried and cried when I thought of it that way, and I had to sit at the cross for a long time after everyone else had left. I had to ask God the questions that had been gnawing at me. “Is there a point and a purpose to my life? Is there a place for me here? Am I loved here?” The answer to all those questions was yes. It was almost like a renewal of my faith, so to speak, and a sprig of joy began in my soul. I know, for a certainty, where I will go when I die.
But, there is another side. I will still hurt. I will still need to take medicine for this disease I have. My hurt and pain will not be healed in this world. It will not be healed til I see Jesus.
While I’m still here, He wants me to show His love to all I come in contact with, and He wants me to learn how to trust the people around me and to ask them to pray for me and with me when I need prayer. So, local church friends, don’t be surprised if I ask you to pray with me in the days and weeks to come.
God’s blessings on all of you today!