It took me awhile to puzzle out how I wanted to write this post. I agree with everything written in this morning’s devotion. The seasons change, and as part of the rhythm of life, I go along with those changes. I also believe with my whole heart that God and Jesus do not change. As it says in Hebrews 13:8, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”
I believe all of this with my whole heart. But today, I am sad. Overwhelmingly sad, as a matter of fact. Sadness can come to people who suffer from depression as I do, sometimes without warning. It can even come to people who are Christians though other Christians would like to pretend it doesn’t. I’ve never understood that. We pray for people who have cancer, heart disease, diabetes, or a host of other physical diseases. We pray for people who have been hurt in accidents. But, we don’t pray for people who suffer from mental illness. Instead, we are afraid of them. And those of us who suffer are forced to pretend we don’t when we’re in church. That is, if we go to church. I know people who have given up on the church because it’s not okay to not be okay. Is it an easily solvable problem? Being intimidated by something that’s not understandable is a hard obstacle to overcome. I can’t offer a wholesale solution. For me, I can only be as honest as I can when I do suffer.
It’s been a rough few weeks. Not only have I been dealing with life’s current of homeschooling, baseball, and church, I have also been working through my feelings of being done with homeschooling in just a few short weeks. Added on to this is a somewhat loss of freedom in going down to one car and not getting things done I wanted to get done. Isolation–it’s not a good thing for someone who suffers from depression, but it’s where I am.
Now, before someone says what I need to be doing, be assured that I am. I’ve been spending time in God’s Word and time praying. Praying for relief. Praying for His presence. I know He’s there even when I can’t feel Him because He is constant; He is unchanging; even when I’m isolated from other people. He has taught me through His constancy that He will be with me through my happy times and through my sad times and that being sad is okay with Him. He is teaching me to be brave through my sadness. Not to necessarily pretend that everything is okay all of the time, but to show people it’s okay to not be okay.
So, if you see me today and ask how I am, know that even if I say I’m great, I’m not, and it’s okay with God for me to say it. Praise God!
May God bless you all today!