Inadequacy

After a week away from this blog, I feel ready to start writing again. I have a new story I want to start to write, and I need to start doing research for the book I want to write. As far as this blog and my other blog go, I think I want to use my writing to get me started each day. So, my plan is to do at least one post each week for each blog. I think that’s realistic. I keep producing content each week, and I can process my thoughts about faith and life. I think this all will be a win-win as I keep my goals in mind.

So, the question I want to answer today is this one. Have you ever felt inadequate? That would be a big whopping yes for me. I feel inadequate as a daughter of God. I feel inadequate as a wife and mother. I feel inadequate as a friend. I feel inadequate as part of the family of God. Sometimes, I feel inadequate about it all. I thought this would be a good topic to share today to see if I could gain some clarity.

I’m not going to share anything too specific though. People get upset when you do that so I thought I would share specifics about the way I feel. First, I want to talk about how I feel inadequate as a daughter of God. There are two ways. One, I feel inadequate as a woman–about how I was made by God. It almost feels like I shouldn’t voice this especially in today’s climate, but I know my God can take it so here goes. I feel inadequate as a woman. I don’t feel like I have anything to contribute to groups of women so when I hear about or am invited to an event with a group of women, I have to think and pray about it a lot before I go. Do I have anything to contribute to the conversation? Will I lose patience with what’s going on? Will I be able to keep from being suffocated at said event? I don’t have a lot of interest in trying new recipes or hearing about the latest cleaning techniques. I don’t want to talk about clothes or shoes, and I definitely don’t think my place is in the kitchen. I want to talk about deep topics that matter which makes me feel guilty because I don’t think I’m reflecting how God made me.

The second way I feel inadequate as a daughter of God is by my inability to say and do the things God wants me to do. For those keeping track, my talk last Wednesday went well. I had many compliments afterwards, but out of the two conversations I needed to have, I only had one. That one went well, but I really need to have the other–to ask for forgiveness. And it can’t be done by writing either which is complicating things. (Yes, I know that is somewhat of an excuse, but trust me, there have been times when a conversation just hasn’t been appropriate.) I’ve waited so long to do it I believe I’ve permanently damaged the relationship. I hope not, but it is what it is.

Now, onto feeling inadequate as a wife and mother. I often wonder if my husband resents that I’m not the best cook in the world or that I don’t keep the cleanest home. I wonder if he doesn’t like cooking on the weekends though he does so cheerfully almost every weekend. He has said he would rather I’d have poured myself into our kids when I was homeschooling them, and he wants me to chase my dreams now, but still, I wonder. I wonder if he would have preferred a wife that was more culturally correct–secular and Christian culture.

Then, there’s me as a mother. Boy, I could tell you a hundred ways I feel inadequate as a mother, but there’s not enough room in this space so I will just state a few. I feel badly about what we haven’t been able to give to our kids. Because we chose to homeschool, there haven’t been as many monetary resources as there could have been. I also feel guilty about the times we have had to move. I think about how much they would have benefited  from living in just one place during their childhoods. And finally, I feel badly about the time we spent in the wilderness while they were growing up. Our relationship with God during their middle childhood was not what it could or should have been.

I also have ways I feel inadequate as a friend. Some of this could probably be blamed on our culture and on how friendships exist in this Internet age, but I don’t want to use this as a cop-out. When we make friends in a particular place, we depend on seeing them in that particular place to maintain the friendship. When we don’t see them anymore for whatever reason, the friendship has a tendency to fragment. That has been my experience anyway. We, I, should do more to keep in touch, but I don’t because they’re not in my regular orbit anymore. I feel guilty about this because I think I should do better. I think God would want me to do better.

Finally, and I think this is the biggest thing for me, I feel inadequate as part of the family of God especially in what I contribute. I’m not only talking about money although that is a part. I also feel inadequate in what I do and in my presence in the body of Christ. I don’t feel like I have the deep friendships I crave from my Christian friends. In fact, I was doing some private writing the other day and wondered if I should be looking in other directions for my deep friendships. It was something I was wondering about, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I didn’t feel like I had encouraged anyone recently and was wondering what my point and purpose was in the body of Christ.

Now, you’re probably wondering where the encouragement is in all of this. I have described in detail all the ways I feel inadequate and how overwhelming it is. I know there are some of you who would say these are thoughts of Satan, and I should just get over them. I’m not saying that Satan doesn’t try to feed us thoughts to interfere with the work we are trying to do for Christ, but I think there is something else at work here we need to realize. We are inadequate–with everything if we try to do it without Christ.

I Peter 4:11 says, “If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

I Corinthians 15:57 says this, “But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

And finally, Colossians 3:16 says this, “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.”

There are many more Scriptures where these come from. God wants us to depend on Him for everything, and I think that’s something we need to remember especially when we feel inadequate. It’s taken me a long time to travel this circle back to the beginning of my faith, and in some ways, I think I will travel it until the day I die. Taking this journey in conjunction with my bravery journey though has helped me experience Christ’s presence in a new way in my life. I can do nothing without His strength as it says in Philippians 4:13. “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” I pray we all can remember this, me included, as we work in His Kingdom.

Praying God’s blessings on you all today!

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